The Aftermath
"I had a bird I took care of but his cage turned unhealthy for him, I set him free". As she tries to hold her tears, I know those words nailed everything she wanted to say.
Now, is the aftermath of a life after her. The chapter in my book of life where I found direction, where I felt security and where I was warmth with love.. has ended. My life on track, as I fly free, is vanished in the thin air.Just like the old days, here I come again, terrified by the brewing summer storm hidden from my view.
I sometimes ask myself, "why is this twisted tale?" "why is this personality?". She gave me everything but "what kind of price catch in life am I after?". As I go through, I realize that there are amazingly difficult things to wrap our brains around, just like modern science with sophisticated tools to answer its questions and satisfy its curiosity having, ..still, its own holy grail. That is, even after all the laws of physics come together, there are things science can barely understand.
I can see beauty somehow, and I guess, thats the reason why I sometimes find myself trying to overindulge with those questions. I know the answers are beautiful, and just like the most beautiful characteristic of beauty for me, the answers are, skin deep. I know, the answers may just be hidden deep within me or is just around, in a cunning disguise. That makes life beautiful, full of surprises.
If we are to recreate everything, we sure want to make it ideal, so surreal with some dreamy effect on it. But life is justt not like that, it is real and is not ideal, for most. Life has breaking points.
Everything happens for a reason, and what happened, is just something we cannot rewrite. Every turning point is significant and I dont blame myself much for my decisions, for I know, that at one point, thats what I wanted. I want her to gain back all the love for herself that she lost when she found me.
She is one the most beautiful things that happened to me, and this is a thank-you-for-everything. I want her to feel that she has moved me to be a better person and that our story will always thrill me and will keep me on the edge of my seat in every time I go back and read our story. The difference between life and death is just a blink of an eye. I want everything to be back in place, I want our story to be a lullaby as she falls asleep, soundly and securely, before I leave in the dead of the night, before the bird fly far away, before I cease seeing beauty of life, before Im a dead meat.
The Aftermath
History Repeats Itself
History Repeats Itself
I dont know but I really wanted to know why "history repeats itself". For years and years, I thought everything is circular.. and as we move around the circle, same things happen. Then I thought, "wheres the room for progress?"
Dejavu. I always experience dejavu when I was in high school. For several times a week, I find myself saying "parang nagyari na to..!?" Same set up, same people, same instances same things happen every now and then. Could it possibly because I have lived sometime before? I dont believe in reincarnation though, I believe in after life. I became so curious with "history repeats itself". Eventually dejavu vanished.
Not a week ago, a friend of mine called and said "man, lets have a little drink dito sa kila benjie, Im throwing a small party". I was invited to their little reunion. Later I realized that its been six years now since they haven't seen each other, since they graduated from a respected maritime school in Bicol. There we are, while I feel a little awkward, talking bout how's life going. I have learned that these people have been to the most beautiful places in the world being seamen. I was amazed not by who they are now after college but how they present themselves not to mention that they once run and ruled their school publication.
Emman, the one who invited me, was once the editor in chief of their school paper and is now taking a masteral course. We have the same firstname, he is of my own age and were both from bicol. I listen when he talks and I felt like I somehow talk just like him as if I have the same state of mind he has, or at least I was trying to. I look at him and I said "maybe this is who Im gonna be if my father had a little dream for me." Then there was dejavu. I felt like this set up happened already. I share them a story.
Its kind of refreshing to absorb new ideas from these peole. They are men of subtance. Inspite of success their personalities were preserved and they talk in the same basic manner just like it was six years ago. Military tough but sensible. They made me proud Im from bicol.
The feeling that this has happened before is getting convincing. Then the thing I wanted to learn started to resonate. History repeats itself. I tried to think why dejavu suddenly struck me again from nowhere. Then there was an immense flash back. Old pictures, old music, old feelings, old hate.. then it stopped. It stopped at "maybe he is who Im gonna be if my father had a little dream for me" and "wheres the room for progress?". These two things kept on resonating.
Something frightened me. When I was young I have learned that ghost frightens someone and it keeps on coming back because it got a message. I remembered, before dejavu struck me I felt hate.. I know I haven't really freed myself from it yet and I know, I havent really learned from it. I knew there was a message and eventually, it helped me unearth the answer to my question. Our lives are not circular.. ghosts keep on coming back because we haven't got their message yet. History repeats itself because we have not learned from our past yet. If we refuse to learn from our mistakes, we are bound to repeat history.
-eman
I blend in
I blend in
I blend in.
Most of them havent even finish high school but i know..educational attainment isnt really a requirement in a good friendship.Cases of beers and some sessions of good talks built it up. A two month old building called friendship, which I thought.. could be unbreakable. We all have the right to be a friend of anyone and to anyone. I prefer them to be my friend.
These people are not likely to be agreeable and likable from a personal note of a middle class person, but not for me. They are of my own age, generation and society. I gave it a shot. I blend in.
Individual differences battled its way to show up. I respect our differences. I did not elevate myself. Im not a kind of person who steals the limelight, always "bida", bragger or wanna-be-on-top. I would rather be a soft spoken tiny little thing in the basement than someone shouting and bragging how high he is at the top, on the roof top of that something we built. I was expecting they're gonna be the same.. and, they did not. I knew something is wrong.
These people made me feel at home since I moved in. "tol, dito walang gagalaw sayo.. kami bahala" So good to be true and as bizarre as it became. Trust and refraining myself from being judgmental made me overlook something. I havent seen the other side of them lurking in the darkness of who they really are. I lost my phone.
The very next day, I talked to them and tried to bug their conscience.With their contradicting words, I was picking up the pieces of a broken idea. Eventually, I knew who did it.. but they got something unbreakable and it cloaked the truth of what happened, concealing the Crook. That something is symbolized by a mark, a scar from a burning-red coin stroked on their skin for that glorifying ugly scar as a badge of their brotherhood. It apparently got in their veins and went up to their brains carrying an idea of "becoming untouchable" . A kind of education Ill be ashamed of bearing.
Each one of them fabricated their own stories trying to get themselves off the hook, but eventually they screw their own stories up and gave them hell. They got my phone back concealing the villain."wla na sakin yun, nabalik nman na eh". Making them think I let them off the hook. I keep my distance. At the back of my mind, lady gaga is saying, "trust is like a mirror, you can fix it but you will still see the cracks on that moda*#f*k*g reflection". So simple yet so true.
Realizing who these people are made me think "I made a mistake". Thats a little uncertain until I found both of them ruined by alcohol, squabbling over something right in front of me. I tried to cool down the situation, "tol, bukas nalang tau magusap usap, parepreho na kasi tayong nakainom" in a soft and humble tone. Then a fist wrapping a stone smack me right in my face. Right at that moment, they know they've just lost a friend. I found my aviator shades useful for two weeks.
Im somewhere in the map between living life and obligation. Its where things happen, unexpected.. but planned to teach us lessons. Nonetheless, I like this lesson more than that of having a good old educated friend I trusted who turned out to be someone I really really dont know.
Learning is interesting isnt it?